Why do some people not realise they are LGBTQ+ until later in life?

Whilst it seems that the world is moving towards becoming a slightly more hospitable place for LGBTQ+ people (at least in parts), it is still the case that we all live in a world that is based on hetero-cis-normativity. A system of hetero-cis-normativity is one in which it is “normal” to be both heterosexual and cisgendered, and people who fall outside of these narrow parameters are pressured (and often forced) to conform to those parameters.

Sometimes the pressure to conform is so strong, and starts at such an early age, that people literally may not know that they are LGBTQ+. Some LGBTQ+ people go many years into adulthood, perhaps living many decades in the gender assigned to them at birth, perhaps having heterosexual relationships, marriages, and children, and much later come to the realisation that they are LGBTQ+. This is because our minds come up with ways to protect us from thoughts and emotions that are too unacceptable for us to hold in our conscious awareness. If we are taught implicitly and explicitly that being LGBTQ+ is “abnormal” then our minds may squash away thoughts and feelings that would let us know that we are different, and hide them in the depths of our psyche, in order to protect us. Even if we are not taught that being LGBTQ+ is “bad” we may exist in a world that is so hetero/cis-centric that we may not even realise there are any other options. For example, a woman who grows up in a culture that does not truly celebrate women’s sexuality and agency may not even realise that the heterosexual sex she’s having isn’t her preference because the culture normalises a world in which lots of women are having average sex, so why would she expect to be any different? Why would she even wonder if perhaps this isn’t the sex for her? If she lives in a world where men are the ones with sexual desires and women are simply the objects of sexual desires, never the people who have sexual desires, then she might not even notice that something might be up. Then add on top a whole load of messaging about how all lesbians look a particular way, and if she doesn’t see herself represented in those figures then it is unlikely to occur to her that she may be different in some way. Then add on top a whole load of implicit and explicit messaging that lesbians are always depressed, mean, and likely to be killed off first in a horror film, and you’ve got a situation in which the idea that she might be queer is unlikely to enter her conscious mind.

How do people eventually realise they are LGBTQ+?

Our minds can’t keep up this coping mechanism of repression forever because it comes at a cost. I believe that deep down we all strive towards our own flourishing, even when we don’t know what this would practically entail. We know that something is up, even if we don’t know what. Hiding knowledge from ourselves is exhausting and denies us the opportunity to process our emotions. These unprocessed emotions build up within us and cause both psychological and physiological issues that are different for everyone, but may include: unexplained illnesses, feeling low, cut-off, anxious, stuck. We cannot selectively repress our emotions. If we are hiding more “negative” thoughts and feelings from ourselves, then we will also be limited in our ability to experience the more positive ones. Over time this protective function of the mind limits our ability to understand ourselves, to connect to others, and to live our lives to the fullest. At some point the mind can no longer repress the thoughts and feelings, and they make themselves known. This can take many different forms. Sometimes it is a slow realisation, perhaps made in a therapist’s consulting room. Sometimes our unconscious impulses break free when we’re drunk. There is even a growing trend for people realising that they are LGBTQ+ because their TikTok algorithm picks up on what they like and delivers them queer content.

Hopefully, when people start to let themselves know that they are LGBTQ+, they will be in an environment where they are safe to share this knowledge with others. Unfortunately this is not a given. It can therefore be helpful to find a location in which you know you are safe to begin exploring what discovering this identity means for you.

What is LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy?

LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy refers to any therapy that does not treat being gay, bi, queer, trans, ace, poly or any other form of GSRD (gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity), as something that is “wrong” that needs to be “fixed” or “explained”. Instead, LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy simply views these identities as a few of the many varied ways in which humanity appears in the world. LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy does not mean that your therapist will tell you whether or not you are LGBTQ+. Instead, your therapist will help you explore your identity, helping you discover your authentic self yourself, if that is what you would like to do in therapy. Obviously, LGBTQ+ people go to therapy for a whole load of reasons other than just exploring their queer identity! Just like cis/het people!

Emotional wellbeing and LGBTQ+ issues

Living as who you truly are is fundamental to a life well lived, and a life absent authenticity is one plagued by suffering. When the conflicts that have been lurking somewhere deep in your mind become known to you, you can gain a sense that you are in control and that you have agency in your own life, rather than feeling pulled around by murky feelings that in some sense feel alien to you. Human beings require authenticity. But we also require acceptance, belonging, and connection for our survival. LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy can help you navigate the challenges of living authentically and finding the acceptance and belonging that all human beings require.

How to find an LGBTQ+ affirmative therapist

Many therapists will write that they are LGBTQ+ affirmative in their profiles, and you can also ask a therapist how they work in advance. Remember: you are trying to find a person who you can begin to trust, so it is absolutely fine to ask them questions in order to find out if you would like to work with them. For example, you might want to ask a therapist if they have undertaken specific training on working with a marginalised group that you identify with. Some therapists choose to also list themselves on LGBTQ+ specific websites, such as Pink Therapy.

If you would like to talk to someone, there are many practitioners at Pimlico Counsellors and Psychotherapists who can provide a confidential, non-judgemental and safe space for you. If you would like to talk to someone immediately you can also contact Switchboard, the national LGBTQ+ support line.

If you are exploring any of the ideas in this article I wish you all the best with your journey. And particularly this month, I wish you a happy pride!

Isabella is a member of Therapists Against Conversion Therapy and Transphobia. You can find out more about her work - https://www.pimlicocounsellors.co.uk/directory/isabella-watson/ or https://londontherapyandcounselling.com/

Understanding Dissociation

Many people experience dissociation and suffer from dissociative symptoms when they become anxious or overwhelmed. This experience could be anything from zoning out when overwhelmed to more extreme feelings of feeling separated from their own body and surroundings, or feeling they have different parts within them.

Symptoms vary among individuals, leading to diagnoses such as depersonalization (feeling detached from oneself), derealization (perceiving surroundings as unreal or blurry), and Dissociative Identity Disorder (this is where the mind splits off feelings or personality traits, characteristics and memories into separate compartments that then develop into unique personality states where one or other state might be dominant at one time. This can create confusion about one’s sense of identity)

1. Dissociation - Accompanying Symptoms

The above symptoms can be accompanied by feelings of being in dream- like state; feelings of surroundings being an intrusion; experiencing amnesia; numbness and depression.

Dissociative disorders can also overlap with other diagnoses such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

2. Causes of Dissociation

Dissociative symptoms have in all likelihood been developed as a coping mechanism for extreme anxiety or stress that a person has experienced. This may be in as a result of a specific trauma that has occurred or could have been developed as a way of coping with anxiety or stress that was experienced in childhood. Whatever the cause or diagnosis, living with the symptoms of dissociation is a distressing experience.

3.Treatment Options

There are many specific treatments which can help with dissociative symptoms. Talking therapy is the most recommended of these. Often people feel uncomfortable and embarrassed living with symptoms that are difficult to understand and are often misunderstood by others.

Counselling and Psychotherapy can help people to understand what they are experiencing with their symptoms and the possible triggers for dissociation. It is an opportunity to learn how to manage anxiety and so move away from the place of fear. In therapy clients can develop practical ways which work to manage life better on daily basis. This might include grounding exercises which help with symptoms as well as developing life style activities to provide a much needed anchor at times when client are confused and anxious.

It is of course important to engage with a practitioner who makes the individual feel safe, who understands dissociation and has experience working with the symptoms.

4. Specialized Services for Support

Seeking help from specialized services can also be instrumental.

Clinic for Dissociative Studies (clinicds.co.uk, 020 7794 1655) is a dedicated resource providing expertise in dissociative disorders. Additionally,  South London and Maudsley Trauma and Dissociation Service (https://slam.nhs.uk, 020 3228 2969) offers comprehensive support for trauma-related conditions.

For more information or to book a session, contact Christine at www.pimlicocounsellors.co.uk/directory/christine-hogg

There is no doubt that it is essential to understand one another to have good social and personal relationships and being able to “think about thinking”, or mentalizing, helps us to do this. When mentalization is compromised, communication issues arise, impacting our connections with others. This article explores Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT) and its profound impact on improving emotional regulation, effective communication, and fostering positivity.

1. The impact of Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT) on our lives and people around us

Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT) plays a pivotal role in emotional regulation, effective communication, and promoting positivity. It centres around mentalizing, which means seeing ourselves from the outside (imagining how others  see us) and seeing others from the inside (imagining what the other person is thinking or feeling).

Mentalizing, or the ability to understand our own and others' mental states, is crucial for navigating relationships. During times of stress, our capacity to mentalize can diminish, leading to a "Mindless" state. MBT focuses on stabilizing the sense of self and managing emotional arousal, preventing overwhelming personal experiences from escalating. By adopting a curious mindset, MBT encourages exploring different perspectives and enhances empathy and compassion.

2. Curiosity and unlocking "Wise Mind"

Curiosity (instead of judgement) is the secret to unlocking the "Wise Mind" within the MBT framework. The mind tells us what we think and feel and why we behave as we are. Practicing mentalizing involves listening with curiosity, exploring various perspectives, and embracing the unknown.  Working with the MBT model, we consider feelings, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and motivations.  This  curious approach expands the "Wise Mind," and as a result, we can have better relationships with ourselves and others.

3. Signs of good and poor mentalizing

Good Mentalizing involves being aware of thoughts, active listening, considering different perspectives, pausing and maintaining a curious stance.

Poor Mentalizing includes certainty about one's and others' minds, making assumptions, ruminating (negative thinking), labelling, blaming, critical words, blowing things out of proportion, jumping to conclusions, focus on failures but never successes, not taking responsibility for our actions.

4. Balancing mentalizing poles

To achieve effective Mentalizing,  we need a better balance in four Mentalizing Poles.

1.  Cognition/Emotion (more logical mind vs impulsivity )

2.   Self /Others (limited capacity to perceive other people's states of mind and feelings vs focusing on other people's minds and emotions, neglecting ourselves)
3.  Controlled/Automatic (a requirement for attention, effort and awareness vs lack of attention and reflection )

4.  Internal /External (reflecting on other people's inner experiences vs making assumptions based on external things)

5. Conclusion

Mentalization-Based Treatment (MBT) offers a practical and transformative approach to understanding and improving our mental states, enhancing relationships, and fostering emotional well-being. It integrates the Reasonable Mind and the Emotional Mind to form the "Wise Mind." My experience shows that Mentalizing is a process of discovering Inner Wisdom. Our integration begins with Mentalizing.

For more information or to book a session, contact Bożena  at https://seeds-of-love.uk/

WHAT IS SOPHROLOGY?

Sophrology is a life-balancing technique aiming at an alert mind in a relaxed body.

Sophrology is a holistic therapy using relaxation and breathing techniques, concentration, visualisation, and simple movements. At the crossroads between Western relaxation techniques and Eastern meditation, it is inspired by Yoga Nidra, Buddhist meditation, Japanese Zen, and classical relaxation techniques. It was developed in 1960 in Spain by Prof. Alfonso Caycedo, a neuropsychiatrist.
The word Sophrology means “the study of consciousness in harmony.” It is a healthcare philosophy consisting of very practical physical and mental exercises that can be used by anyone in busy 21st century everyday life with just a few minutes a day.

Sophrology has been a very popular method in continental Europe over the past 60 years where it is used in a large variety of settings: in hospitals settings and medical care in general by doctors, nurses, and mid-wives; in sports, arts, and education; and in companies for teamwork, stress, and burn-out prevention.

SIMPLE TECHNIQUES, EASY TO LEARN

• Breathing exercises
• Using the breath to enhance your health, both physical and menta
• Dynamic relaxation
• Gentle movements, suitable for everyone
• Guided meditation
• Following the voice and guidance of the sophrologist for a deeper experience
• Visualisation
• Exploring the power of your mind

ACCESSIBLE TO EVERYONE  – TAILOR-MADE PROGRAMMES

Sophrology can safely be practiced by everyone, regardless of age and physical abilities. All techniques are adaptable to suit your needs. No special clothing or equipment required. Each session is tailor-made for the client and designed to progressively re-establish balance and harmony in body and mind. The idea is for the client to discover and learn the techniques they need to deal optimally with whatever challenge they are facing.

WHAT CAN SOPHROLOGY HELP WITH?

Health 

• Stress management
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Fatigue
• Burnout
• Pain management
• Sleep problems
• Depression
• Common mental health disorders

Self-development 

• Self-confidence
• Emotions management
• Change management
• Inner resources

Preparing for big event 

• Exams
• Speaking in public
• Pre-natal
• Sports
• Competition
• Stage performance

A TYPICAL TREATMENT

A consultation to assess the client’s needs. Sophrology exercises guided by the Sophrologist’s voice. Practiced either standing or sitting in a chair, eyes opened or closed, no special clothing or equipment required. Feedback on the exercises and planning for independent practice

IN A GROUP: WORKING AROUND A COMMON THEME

Sophrology can also be practiced in a group setting. Groups are usually organised around a common theme, so that clients can meet like-minded people, and learn techniques relevant to their presenting challenge.

FACE-TO-FACE OR ONLINE

Sophrology is flexible and adapts to your needs and this work can be completed in a variety of settings.

You can book face to face appointment with Corinne at the Kensington Counselling Rooms. Corinne also works online, via Zoom. All you need is access to the internet (phone, computer, or laptop), a camera or webcam and a quiet room (ideally!).  You will receive the link to the session ahead of the agreed time, all you need to do is click on it, nothing to download.

For more information or to book a session, contact Corinne at https://corinneguion.com/  

Being a late-diagnosed autistic woman in a neurotypical world is a journey to say the least. Being able to look back at my life through an autistic lens means there is an explanation for so many of the struggles I have experienced along the way. It allows me to offer myself more kindness and compassion as well as feel a sense of greater acceptance of myself. Furthermore, it means I can now navigate life and my own self-care in a way I could not before I knew I was autistic. Coming to know that you are autistic later in life (as the majority of women do), whether by formal diagnosis, self-diagnosis or exploration around this as an identity can bring up a range of feelings and emotions. As autism presents so differently in women than in men, it is vital to know some of the signs. You can read more about the signs of autism in women at https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/ 202104/10-key-signs-autism-in-women However, once you have a diagnosis or identify as autistic, it can often feel like you’re on your own in exploring what this means, how to navigate caring for yourself, advocating for your needs and unmasking (showing more of your true self to the world). In this article, I offer some ways to support yourself in the world as a late-diagnosed autistic woman.

1. Know yourself really well

Who are you really? This may be an incredibly difficult question to answer if you’ve spent your entire life masking and trying fit in with the expected social norms of this society. Taking off your mask is a vulnerable process but getting to know yourself when you’re by yourself can be an easier and less daunting first step. What do you like to do in your free time? What do you like/ dislike? What are your interests? What brings you joy? What makes you excited? What makes you sad? What makes you angry? What makes you anxious? What brings you calm? Who do you like to be around? What does your ideal day look like? Knowing yourself well can help you navigate situations that you find yourself in, or help you decide whether you want to be in them in the first place!

2. Don’t be afraid to put in place accommodations and ask for support

After a lifetime spent masking and pushing through, you may not even be aware of the accommodations or support that you may find helpful. Taking a clear look at the ways you function or what you find difficult in daily life can help you identify where you can bring in assistance and ask for the support of family, friends and colleagues. It could be as simple as letting others know you are overwhelmed and that you need some time for yourself. You could ask family to take over more of the house chores for a while. Or colleagues to respect your need for quiet. Or let your boss know you process information differently and need a bit longer on a project. Putting in place accommodations for yourself can be empowering and give you a sense of control in what often feels like a chaotic world. For me, making sure I do my food shop on a weekday morning has transformed the experience from being an overwhelming one to bearable. I also very rarely leave my house these days without my headphones to listen to music. This helps me remain calm and regulated in stressful and busy environments. It may sound strange after a lifetime of struggling through, but you don’t need to suffer.

3. Indulge your interests and hobbies

Your interests and passions are a powerfully supportive resource in your life. Think of how you feel when you indulge your hobbies and spend time with your interests. You may become aware of a deep sense of peace or calm. You may be able to identify your skills and talents in this process, which can bring about a deeper sense of confidence in yourself.

4. Create a schedule that works for you

As mentioned in point number two, you don’t need to suffer or struggle through. Most 9-5 jobs are not suited to neurodivergent people who need a lot more rest, quiet and downtime than such a work schedule allows. You may realise you need a quiet space to focus and that an afternoon walk in nature or a nap helps you regulate your nervous system. You may find that you can utilise your ability to work alone and focus for long periods - as well as your creativity, passion and interests - to create a business of your own or at least create a good case for flexible working.

5. Learn to say no

Boundaries are essential. You do not need to put yourself in social situations you do not truly wish to be in. Learn how to listen to your clear ‘yes’ when deciding whether to do something, and if you don’t hear it, you do not have to force yourself to please others. Honouring yourself and your needs develops your sense of yourself and, in turn, sends a message to yourself that you are worth taking care of.

6. Surround yourself with as much comfort as possible

As women, we often learn from a young age to forgo comfort for the sake of fitting in and being ‘fashionable’. The sooner you can give up caring what others think and embrace what your body and skin truly likes, the sooner you will be able to drop a whole load of unnecessary tactile stress and better regulate your nervous system. I surround myself with soft blankets, cuddly toys and (fake) sheepskin rugs and wear soft clothing materials and shoes with a comfortable fit.

7. Do not compare yourself to neurotypical women

This is a difficult one but understanding you are autistic can help drop the comparisons. Neurotypical women may seem to be better able to function in this world, however, you never know their own struggles. Dropping the comparisons and learning to like and embrace who you truly are can help you avoid the trap of living a life that society deems you should live, in turn helping you create one that is on your own terms and that feels good from the inside.

For more information or to book a session, contact Meredith at meredithhusencounselling.com or on Facebook at www.facebook/meredithhusencounsellingforwomen

Everyone feels down sometimes, but for some of us the feeling does not go away and we find it can get worse and have a big impact on our lives. Depression is a mood disorder that lasts for a long time and affects how you feel, think and carry out daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. Depression should be distinguished from sadness, which is a natural emotion felt in situations of failure or loss. Depression often lasts many weeks or even months and is accompanied by other symptoms.

According to the World Health Organization, it is estimated that 5% of adults suffer from the disorder globally. And the incidence of the disorder is increasing everywhere[i]. In any given week in England, 3 in every 100 people will experience depression. Even more – 8 in every 100 – will experience mixed depression and anxiety[ii]. If you are experiencing depression, you are not alone.

The most common symptoms of depression include:

• low self-esteem
• lack of self-confidence
• persistent sadness
• decreased concentration
• lack of appetite or disordered eating
• sleep disturbance
• loss of interest
• seeing the future in black
• suicidal thoughts or actions.

Depression, if left untreated, can have many harmful consequences on a person’s life, including severe relationship and family problems, difficulty finding and holding down a job, and drug and alcohol problems. At its most severe, depression can be life-threatening because it can make one feel suicidal. It’s important to seek support as early as possible, as the sooner you get treatment, the sooner you can recover. The NHS recommends that you should see your GP if you experience symptoms of depression for most of the day, every day, for more than 2 weeks.  their self-assessment test helps you to assess whether one is living with depression - https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/clinical-depression/overview/.

Counselling is a scientifically proven treatment for depression.

Counselling for depression

If you suspect depression in yourself or a loved one, you can also seek help from a counsellor. Counselling can help you to understand the roots of your depression, reduce the severity of depression symptoms and prevent relapses. The sessions can support you to find your own ways to cope with your depression and suggest different strategies and self-care techniques. The length of counselling in the treatment of depression depends on your individual needs, during the initial consultation the counsellor will determine how serious it is and whether you may need  additional support, such as from a GP or psychiatrist who can prescribe medications.

How to find a counsellor for depression

The first step of reaching out for help can be very difficult, especially if you are currently experiencing depression. Read through some counsellor profiles and send out an email or make a phone call to anyone who interests you to see if you might work together. All counsellors have their own approach, some counsellors offer both online and face to face work, some specialise in depression and others work with many different mental health concerns. Regardless, they will not judge you and they will be honest with you, and you can be honest with them, too.

Can I have counselling when self-harming or feeling suicidal?

Sometimes in depression, life is so challenging that people consider taking their own life or manage their emotional pain through self-harming. It’s important that these issues are discussed in the first session with your counsellor to help to minimise risk and suffering. Some therapeutic clients reported feeling freer to discuss their difficulties with their therapists rather than with their friends or families. Indeed, counsellors and psychotherapists were trained to be able to listen and explore complex subjects that include self-harm and suicide. Experienced counsellors and psychotherapists have worked with people in similar struggles before and will be able to guide and support you.

Can I refer my depressed partner or child to a counsellor?

It is very hard to witness a person we love being depressed, and many of us would do everything we can for their situation to change. Sometimes it’s frustrating when our depressed relatives do not reach out for help, and we want to make sure they do. Whatever the motivation, it’s important that the depressed person personally contacts the counsellor. The majority of therapists will not accept a client referred by someone else, mainly because reaching out for help is an essential step of getting better and feeling pressured by someone else may contradict the counselling for depression. As a person living with someone who struggles, you may consider reaching out for help yourself to a counsellor or a support group for carers.

Please go to our website Kensington Counselling Rooms and contact one of our experienced counsellors, psychotherapists or psychologicsts to see if they can help.

• [i] https://www.who.int/health-topics/depression#tab=tab_1
• [ii] https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/depression