Starting or growing a family is one of the biggest transitions a couple can make. This time of life can bring joy and closeness, however the demands of family life can also put pressure on the couple relationship. There can be feelings of loss around perceived changes in identity for both partners, lack of time together as a couple and less independence as individuals which couples may not have been prepared for. Couples therapy for new parents and those preparing for parenthood offers a space to explore these mixed feelings and to think about how to hold on to and deepen their couple relationship while navigating the demands of parenthood.

The Decision to Start a Family

While couples may feel they have checked with one another early in the relationship that the other will want a family at some point, these discussions can be vague and the prospect of actually starting a family can seem far off. Tensions may grow where one partner wants to move on with starting a family while the other partner feels they are not ready. In the case of couples who come together later in life, the need to start a family soon after beginning the relationship may cause tensions from early on. Either way, where one partner feels an urgency to start a family and the other partner is unsure, the issue can start to feel like a battleground.

This can be a useful period for a couple to come for couple therapy, where there is the possibility of them beginning to hear one another better. Often couples have not fully discussed their family histories with one another, and this can have a bearing on how they feel about having their own children. Where each partner can start to understand the other’s feelings about becoming a parent in the light of each of their family histories, there can be a feeling of greater acceptance and an understanding of the wish to do things differently.

One partner may be feeling very negative and fearful about starting a family and may be constantly thinking of the problems ahead, while the other may be idealising what starting a family will mean for them and only thinking of the upsides. Couples can often come to understand that one of them is holding all the doubts about starting a family while the other is holding all the hope, and in exploring this there is the possibility for each of them to move more to the centre-ground and to make a decision about their future. Some couples may decide not to have children and can reach this decision with a feeling of support and acceptance on both sides.

The Shock of Becoming Parents

While couples may be aware before becoming new parents of the toll that will be placed on them by sleepless nights and the fact that babies and small children will take priority over the relationship, the reality of this change can still come as a shock. This shock can also be experienced by parents who have already had one child who was “easy” and who may then have a second or third child who seems to cry all the time or never sleep. Another child may come along before they were expected, which can bring emotional and financial pressures.

One parent or the other may feel that the burden of childcare falls on them, or that the other is tied up with the child or children and has no space for their partner. There may be little inclination for new parents to maintain their sex life, and this can be another cause of resentment and tension. One parent may feel that their partner has teamed up with their child or children who are now more important to them than the relationship, and this can be explored in therapy. There may also be differences in approaches to childcare which can take the couple by surprise and lead to arguments and a feeling of not being on the same page.

How Can  Couples Therapy Help New Parents Feel Less Pressured?

New parents may put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “perfect”, not wanting to repeat their own parents’ mistakes. Parents can feel very guilty if they do not feel warm and loving towards their children at all times. It can be a relief to talk in couples therapy for new parents about how angry they can start to feel towards a child who won’t stop crying or who throws lovingly prepared food on the floor.

One or both parents may miss their days of being free to go out with friends or enjoy a solo activity. For couples who came together later and did not have many years to be a couple before having children, there may be a feeling of missing out. One or both partners may feel a loss of identity as a result of becoming a parent, especially where they need to take a break from work.

In therapy, new parents often experience relief that they are “allowed” to talk about some of these regrets and that it does not make them a bad parent. Where there is space for mourning their lives before children, couples can feel more connected and develop a greater acceptance of their new lives.

The importance of maintaining some space, however small, for the couple relationship can also help restore a feeling of balance. One partner may have lost sight of the couple relationship, feeling they need to devote every waking minute to the child or children. However, new parents who realise the importance of also keeping some time to be a couple will feel better supported in their efforts to be loving parents.

Strengthening the Couple Relationship

While starting or growing a family inevitably presents challenges, couples can come to feel that their relationship has been strengthened and enriched. Despite the pressures and losses involved, parents often feel that having children gives new meaning to their lives. For couples who are struggling with this change, couples therapy for new parents can help them navigate the transition into parenthood partly by drawing on the strength of their relationship.